Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Worst #2

Geoff Norcott -
"My wife said to me recently, 'Do you fancy going gay clubbing?' I said,
'No, it sounds violent'."

Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #2

Alex Horne -
"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Worst #1

Simon Lilley -
"I thought ex-pats were people who used to be called Pat."

Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #1

Rob Auton -
"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.
Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Church Bulletin

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Les Dawson - My mother in law

The mosquitoes have to draw straws to see who's going to bite her.

Quotes on Government

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Will Rogers

Kulula Airline announcements

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Insults + Put-downs

"He chews more than he bites off"

Clover Adams on Henry James

Did they really mean to write...

"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"

Blondes

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

When children put their spin on sayings...

You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.

US Patrolman said...

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

Tommy Cooper

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburettor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

Drinking

A: "I hear your dad's an alcoholic."

B: "It's not true, he's a drunkard... we're too poor for him to be an alcoholic"

(with thanks to Larry... who happens to be teetotal).

Quotes on Government

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.

Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

Male or female ?

EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

Les Dawson - My mother in law

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

How the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

Don't upset a woman...

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would
take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What in the world is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in
my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle
Grow'!!!!!

Golf

A young man and a priest are playing together.  At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

Country living

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different to the big city person.
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse in his Holden, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about nine years old, opened the door.
"Is your Dad or Mum home?" asked the farmer.
"No, they went to town", said the boy.
"How about your brother Howard. Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mum and Dad," answered the boy.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.... It's about Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment.......................
"You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Did they really mean to write...

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Church Bulletin

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bumper stickers

The Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

Bumper stickers

Wonderful quotes

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

Quotes on Government

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Doormats

Tommy Cooper

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."