US Patrolman said...

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

Understanding engineers

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

US Patrolman said...

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

When children put their spin on sayings...

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking
at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops,
and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on
every ride in the park;
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything
there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it
wrong.

Wonderful quotes

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

Tommy Cooper

I bumped into an old friend the other day.

He's got poor eyesight as well!

Quotes on Government

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries.

Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Wonderful quotes

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Mark Twain

Quotes on Government

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

Winston Churchill

Golf

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through."

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears.
Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

Did they really mean to write...

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

How the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

Instructions

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

Digging

An old man and a woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a
confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would
shout, "when I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back
and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.  His wife
had a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't
you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and
haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down… and I know he
won't ask for directions".

Les Dawson - My mother in law

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my
mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's
called breathing.

Tommy Cooper

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Smart ass answers...

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

Wonderful quotes

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Quotes on Government

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw

Kulula Airline announcements

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Tommy Cooper

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Quotes on Government

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But
then I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

Insults + Put-downs

"Most people are using two-piece cues now, but Alex Higgins doesn't have one
because they don't come with instructions"

Steve Davis

Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,  
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really
none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
friend.

'Well,' says the friend,  
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.  
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,  
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,  
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,   
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

I bought my wife a pressure cooker. God knows what she did with it, but
she's the first woman to put a turnip in orbit.

Romance

Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are
eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are
crying, send me your tears. I love you!
  
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,
  
"I am on the toilet. Please advise."

US Patrolman said...

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after
you wear them a while."

Smart ass answers...

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

How the fight started...

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...