Did they really mean to write...

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Balls

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Parliament playing marbles.

Bumper stickers

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.
      
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a  semen sample tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like
this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,  first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her
knees, but still nothing

The doctor was shocked!  
 
'You asked your neighbour?'   
 
The old man replied,  
  
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

US Patrolman said...

"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

A lesson in grammar

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for ?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

Did they really mean to write...

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1ST FLOOR

Doormats

How the fight started...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her
a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write
'Spaghetti' on the back.  He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.  The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Insults + Put-downs

"Literary awards are like haemorrhoids. Sooner or later, every ----hole gets one"

Frederic Raphael

Les Dawson - Keeping up with the Joneses

The people next door are awful. At three o'clock this morning they were banging on the walls and screaming.
Good job I wasn't trying to sleep - I was playing my drums at the time.

Wonderful quotes

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine
against a wall.'

Eleanor Roosevelt

Doormats

Understanding engineers

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Quotes on Government

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a
shame; two is a law firm and three or more is a government.

John Adams

Male or female ?

HOT AIR BALLOONS:

Male, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under
their butt.

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I was in my local pub the other night. I said to the landlord: 'This beer is
flat, warm and full of sediment.' He said: 'You're lucky - you've only got a
pint. I've got a bloody cellar full.'

Kulula Airline announcements

On a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."

Insults + Put-downs

"Biologically speaking, you are more likely to be attacked by the female of
the species"

Desmond Morris

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I went to the doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me
a kite.

The Rugged Outdoor Woman

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her
physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week
in the outdoors.
 
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7
miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I
pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my
eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I
went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother
bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all
left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses
of wine."
 
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor
woman!"
 
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer."

How the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded
to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

Tommy Cooper

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....but she's good with the kids....

Quotes on Government

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed.

Mark Twain

The ventriloquist and the blonde

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
at the local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. 
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? 
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being?
Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people. 
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes but women in general... 
pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise but the blonde woman yells
"You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

The Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

Women Drivers

Scouser's Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough
to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it
in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can
up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his
other hand.

This procedure also works in Barnsley, Birmingham, parts of Sheffield, the
whole of Essex and anywhere in Wales.

Relationships

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'