Insults + Put-downs

His acting is so bad, even his impersonation of a drunk is unconvincing"

Critic Harry Medved on Dean Martin

Did they really mean to write...

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

The Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work

Thoughts to ponder...

Why does a slight tax increase cost you £800 and a substantial tax cut saves you only £30?

When children put their spin on sayings...

A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

Tommy Cooper

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

Relationships

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Proof that the world is nuts...

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

Did they really mean to write...

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Women Drivers

Bumper stickers

Les Dawson - Keeping up with the Joneses

Our house was so dirty that the beetles walked across the carpets on stilts.
It was so cold, we put the milk in the fridge to stop it from freezing.

Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Understanding engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Did they really mean to write...

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Observations...

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts, "Really" she said.

"Go on then... try" After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, " Yesterday".

The Red Cross

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway!

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I may look overweight, but my doctor assures me that for my age I'm exactly the right weight - though I should be 12 inches taller. So he put me on a diet. I can eat anything I want: bread, potatoes, cakes, anything. But I mustn't swallow it.

Birds, Bees and Taxi Drivers

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom " said the boy, "what are all these women doing? "
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replies.

The taxi driver turns around and says, " Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth ? They're hookers, boy ! They have sex with men for money. "

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, " Is that true mom? "
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said

Bumper stickers

Blondes

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'

Did they really mean to write...

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

Paddy the roofer

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and becoming dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says,
"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

The Gym

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

For two years, I toured with the Saddlers Wells Ballet Company. I was the van driver.