Tommy Cooper

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

My wife won't like it

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota , heard the noise and called out,
"Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack , and I'm OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

Did they really mean to write...

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Tommy Cooper

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

They walk among us...

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

Proof that the world is nuts...

Butterflies taste with their feet

Peter Cook

"Tragically, I was an only twin."

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the
wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his
clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is
getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back,
shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man, I don't want them!" Then
he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a
knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little
Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You
sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt
front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You
must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Les Dawson - One-liners

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

Kulula Airline announcements

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Women Drivers

School Register

Register being read on the first day back at a school in Birmingham.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Ahmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al En" - silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen.

New shop

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

Winter Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,

"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back
on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked,

'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

Tommy Cooper

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

Thoughts to ponder...

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Women Drivers

When children put their spin on sayings...

An idle mind is the best way to relax.

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Girlfriends

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

Vitamins

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

When it comes to humour, people often ask me, what's the difference between a Northern audience and a Southern audience? Frankly, as far as I'm concerned, there's no difference: they don't laugh at me in either place.

Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a £5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes abreath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old daddy a hug!

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Ejected

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Investments

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Where do redheaded babies come from?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine

'Nonsense,' the doctor said... even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.

'This can't be,

Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor, Let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.... "It's Rust."

Happy New Year

Nothing funny today... no change then, I hear you say.

Here's wishing you all an excellent 2013 and remember to tell your friends (or enemies for that matter) that by going to www.iamnotadodo.com , they can subscribe to something amusing every day (hopefully).