Golf

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off .

Pharmacist's Monday Morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even
answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand
an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "now,
just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go
off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out
to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and
car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a
little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three
blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store
a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened
and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was
ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had
to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was
still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife.

She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Edinburgh Fringe 2012

Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

Golf

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

George Deukmejian

Putting vehicles to full use

Drinking

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

Tommy Cooper

"My mother was always pulling my leg. That's why one is six inches longer than the other."

Insults + Put-downs

"Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins"

Joan Rivers

Elvis

I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Golf

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it
straight, it's a miracle.

Putting vehicles to full use

Kulula Airline announcements

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Tommy Cooper

I'm on a whisky diet, I've lost three days already.

Proof that the world is nuts...

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

Insults + Put-downs

"After Braveheart, they said he'd never make a true Scotsman, but look at
him now – alcoholic and racist"

Frankie Boyle on Mel Gibson

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Golf

May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters.

Author Unknown

Putting vehicles to full use

London 2012 Olympics finish today ...

Tommy Cooper

I had a meal last night, I ordered everything in French, surprised
everybody, It was a Chinese restaurant.

Dead Bird

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted.....

'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said... 'where?'

Insults + Put-downs

"Such an active lass. She loves nature in spite of what it did to her"

Bette Midler on Princess Anne

Old Age

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Golf

A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible .

Author Unknown

Putting vehicles to full use

Church Bulletin

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

Tommy Cooper

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes
please.

And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.

So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

Fridge

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on
it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale £50.'

The next day someone stole it!

When children put their spin on sayings...

No news is

impossible.

Insults + Put-downs

"He's a world expert on leisure. He's been practising it all his life"

Neil Kinnock on the Duke of Edinburgh