Golf

Golf is a game in which one endeavours to control a ball with implements ill
adapted for the purpose.

Woodrow Wilson

Putting vehicles to full use

Church Bulletin

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Tommy Cooper

On being introduced to the Queen after the Royal Variety Show,Tommy Cooper
asked her if she liked football.

"Well, not really," she answered. "

In that case," he continued, "do you mind if I have your Cup Final tickets?"

Olympics

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't
got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to
the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under
his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing."

When children put their spin on sayings...

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

Insults + Put-downs

"A huge fur ball on two overdeveloped legs"

Nancy Mitford on Princess Margaret

Golf

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Al Boliska

Putting vehicles to full use

Church Bulletin

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

Noah

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you make me a new
Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs, anything you want".

But God interrupts, "ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just
a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 decks!......" screams Noah, "...well, whatever you say, should I fill it
up with all the animals just like last time?"

"..... yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want
you to fill it up with water and fish" God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp, wall to
wall, floor to ceiling - carp!" says God.

Noah looks to the skies, "OK, let me get this right, you want a new Ark, 20
stories high, filled with water and fish..........carp?"......."Why?"

"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a multi-storey carp Ark".

Tommy Cooper

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'.

He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

When children put their spin on sayings...

You can lead a horse to water

but how?

Insults + Put-downs

"They have sent me a Flanders mare!"

King Henry VIII on Anne of Cleves

Golf

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

Billy Graham

Putting vehicles to full use

Church Bulletin

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Two little boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief
occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The
preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the
preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where
God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is
God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his
voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE
is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his
closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in
the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Tommy Cooper

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.

I said 'Is Jim in?'.

She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.

So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.

'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.

'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

When children put their spin on sayings...

Never underestimate the power

of termites.

Insults + Put-downs

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts – for support rather than illumination"

Andrew Lang

Golf

Go play golf.

Go to the golf course.

Hit the ball.

Find the ball.

Repeat until the ball is in the hole.

Have fun.

The end.


Chuck Hogan

Putting vehicles to full use

Church Bulletin

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.

It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.

Bring your husbands.

Man and Women

Men socialise by insulting each other, but they don't really mean it.

Women socialise by complimenting each other, but they don't really mean it
either.

Tommy Cooper

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.

I said 'Why not?'.

He said 'We don't give him any'

When children put their spin on sayings...

It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

Insults + Put-downs

"Her trouble is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech"

George Bernard Shaw

Golf

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of
bagpipes.

Author Unknown (but he knows the Scots)

Putting vehicles to full use

Church Bulletin

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'

The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'