Irish Candle

Mrs. O'Malley was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. O'Malley and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

 She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

 The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

 She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' they then parted ways.

 Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. O'Malley, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

 The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Insults + Put-downs

“When they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit”

David Lloyd George on the Liberal home secretary

Golf

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.

Girls say...

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed…married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

When women fail to supervise men...

Old Age

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Tommy Cooper

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.

'Can't you ring your bell?' She said.

 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'but I can't ride my bike'.

Obedient Wives

God promised man that good, obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then God smiled... and made the earth round.

Insults + Put-downs

He has been going around the country deliberately stirring up apathy.

William Whitelaw on Harold Wilson

Golf

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

Pub

I was in a pub on Saturday night.

Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES, ya flippin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologised and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...

Mother in supermarket

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Girls say...

He said to me... what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said to him. . .. A widow.

Tommy Cooper

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.

So I took up a collection.

Getting Old

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

Getting a hair dryer through customs

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Golf

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.

Ben Hogan

British Humour

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

Leaflet drop

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.

This is great news.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71, so it's not too far to walk home afterwards, and it's the same side of the street. I don't have to cross the road.

Girls say...

He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

Getting Old

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.

I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.

He said 'How can I help?'.

I said 'Break my arms!'

Post Election France

Golf

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

Jim Bishop

British Humour

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

Boat Island

An Obituary printed in the London Times

Absolutely Brilliant and sad but true!!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
 
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
 
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
 
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
 
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
 
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
 
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

Girls say...

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

Tommy Cooper

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.

Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

Should a five year-old watch childbirth

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 5 year- old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mum so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 5 year- old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,

'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ....smack his ass again!'

Cosmetic surgery

Two elder women were having lunch together, And discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. 

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, I'm thinking of having my backside bleached!"

"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"