Genuine NHS Sign

Price of petrol in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.'

Golf

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore", shoot six and write down five.

Paul Harvey

Girls say...

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.

I said 'What for?'

He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

Don't mention the war!

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Serenity

Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.

Retired

Girls say...

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

British Humour

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Novel biscuits

Memory

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Laughing

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

Senior Love

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower
and she a widow.

They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her: "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Time left

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 43 years?

Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."

Viagra

Easter Eggs

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Girls say...

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

Cremation

Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK......now what?"

Church Sign

Marriage

A little boy asked his father:

‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’

Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’

Church Sign

Farmer

I'm getting fed up with the old bloke riding up and down our street on his tractor shouting "the end is nigh, the end is nigh"

Bloody Farmer Geddon

For that special evening...

Marine Sergeant

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

From one of my British correspondents

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover this morning, I noticed an extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English Channel .

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.

If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible person, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the Home Office.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps!

Just my Luck...

… the recently formed Federal Office for On Line Security has decided to make an example of this site.

Apparently, the material being sent out could cause offence to someone and, as such, poses a threat to security.

These FOOLS are going to attempt to close us down; can you believe that?